American Psychiatric Association Guidelines for Preparing Frozen Meals

1. Bipolar: Heat until hot in spots, cold in others. Rejoice. Eat. Sob.
2. Paranoia: Heat, serve, observe.
3. Pyromania: Place dinner on stove top. Turn burner on high.
4. Amnesia: Heat per instructions. Place on table. Go look for something to eat.
5. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Carefully align package with straight edge of table. Read instructions. Heat. Read instructions. Repeat heating. Rearrange food in more presentable order.

From the oh-so-wonderful Steve Vermillion.

6 more guidelines at The Higgs Weldon