How To Get Rid Of Clutter And Live Abundantly

Mallory Ortberg wants "to teach you how to get rid of clutter and live so abundantly that you will disgorge fruits and sheaves of wheat and minimalist mid-century furniture with clean lines every time you open your mouth. Urchins will caper after you in the street in a perfect spiral pattern. Your life will become so abundant, you’ll be like a human gift basket from Harry and David – the one with the spiral tower of chocolate-dipped pears."

Here are her suggestions on how to de-clutter your living room:

• Chairs are rigid and static. Chairs lack suppleness. A chair is a frozen emotion. Every chair in your house is a locked-up resentment you sit on every day. Get rid of them. You don’t need them. Throw them out the window. You’ll find you’re now several inches taller, and that the chairs never even hit the sidewalk – they evaporated several stories down, even if you live in a first-floor apartment. They disappeared because you’re capable of forgiveness now.
• Replace your couch with a pile of the least frustrated lentils you can find; no more than seven lentils.
• The only furniture you need is a single smooth stone that reminds you of your mother.

What do you mean it doesn't make sense? Just do it. You'll immediately feel better.