The Absolute Bottom 50 Funeral Eulogies

1. She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine.

2. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness.

3. He had many hobbies, and he was very proud of them. He had that rarest of gifts: the ability to find the beauty and artistry in the hardcore amateur farm porn he shot with his Super 8 over at Oakville Community Stables.

4. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children.

5. Bill was not a rich man. He was not a proud man. He was not a successful man. Nor was he especially attractive, articulate, or even remotely respected. Neither was he particularly well-liked or hygienic. So I suppose, what I'm really trying to say is... there's cake back at the house and if we hurry, we can probably catch the second half of the Bulls game.

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