3 And Ben went up into the land of Manhattan, armed righteously with the word of God, an SKS assault rifle, a British commando knife, and nunchucks he had fashioned out of hard oak whilst the shop teacher was away, partaking of tobacco.
4 At the place called the Square of Time, he came upon a multitude of clubites. Ben saw that they were loathsome in the eyes of the Lord for their women dressed immodestly and chatted in the manner of those who partake of little pills and strong drink.
5 Ben said unto them, 'Do you accept Our Lord Jesus as your own, personal savior?'
6 And the multitude responded, each in his own manner. 'Let's hug,' cried the starry-eyed man with the chartreuse fauxhawk. 'Come clubbing with us,' demanded another. And thus it was so with all of the clubites for Techno had banished their love for our Savior from their hearts.
7 Ben, filled with anger at their words, looked upon the nearby buildings, searching for she-bears, so that he might command them to consume the clubites, just as the prophet Elisha commanded she-bears to devour the children who mocked his baldness.
8 Finding no she-bears to help him, Ben descended upon the multitude, alone, slaying them with automatic gunfire until his rifle was empty, and then smiting their heads with his Terrible Numchucks of Godly Vengeance.
9 And when his work was finished, Ben went among the bodies, and he cut off their ears, both those of the right and of the left, gathering them into a great pile. From this pile, he selected every tenth ear as a tithe and fashioned them into a necklace as an offering to the Lord.
10 And the Lord God looked upon Ben's offering and said, 'It is good.'
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