A few things to be mindful of during your stay:
• All of the light bulbs in the basement burnt out right before I left, so definitely don't go down there no matter what. It's pretty much just concrete and chains and stained pillowcases and lengths of rubber hose, anyway.
• If there is an emergency, DO NOT CALL 911. First call my pal Eddy. If he's busy, call Jinx. If you can't get Jinx, press the red button by the front door, grab as many guns and "special vitamins" as you can carry and head to the roof. A helicopter will arrive shortly. While flying to safety in the helicopter, try and shoot the tigers. I really don't want to have the government on my back about keeping big cats. Again.
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