HOW TO ORDER WINE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE

Waiterrant offers some helpful tips on HOW TO ORDER WINE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE:
"9. DO NOT SMELL THE CORK! - When I see someone do this I know I'm dealing with a complete amateur. Guess what you're gonna smell? Cork! You want to feel the cork to make sure it's intact. Is the bottom of the cork moistened with wine? Good. That means it was stored properly. Make sure the name on the cork matches the name on the bottle. Sometimes unscrupulous bastards put cheap wine in old wine bottles and re-cork them! Is there mold on the cork? That's a bad sign. But smelling the cork, in the vast majority of cases, tells you nothing. (Full disclosure: I used to smell the cork before I was a waiter.)
10. DON'T SMELL THE PLASTIC CORK EITHER!- I can't tell you how many times I've seen people do this. Lots of wine makers are moving away from natural cork to synthetics. Sniffing a plastic cork tells the world you're a moron. Don't smell the bottle cap either. (I never smelled the plastic cork before I was a waiter, so there!)
11. Swirl the wine. Now I pour some wine into a glass for you to taste. Most customers swirl the wine around in the glass to oxygenate or open it up. That's fine. But SWIRL the wine! Don't spin it like you're trying to separate U-235 in a centrifuge machine! You've all seen these "connoisseurs." They put the base of the glass on the table top and get a really good rotation going. Then they stop, smell, spin it again, stop, smell, spin, stop, smell, spin etc. After a few minutes they finally taste it and I have several new grey hairs. Maybe I can see that for 1975 Bordeaux. But for a $25 bottle you can pick up in the grocery store for $6? Please. You're showing off. "